Sometimes I just don’t know what the hell is going on. Do you ever feel that?
I feel like my version of reality is twisted and distorted so much sometimes, it’s hard to know when I’m feeling something worth feeling or when I’m just overreacting. All I know is I get that pain in my gut and cloudiness in my head. My heart starts beating faster and I’m consumed with my thoughts, completely unable to escape.
I live with my partner who has been an integral part of my healing. (More on him later. More on everything later. My past, my relationship with my parents… OH that’s a fun one!) I see a psychologist weekly and am on medication (an SNRI). I started taking the medication about four weeks ago. Week one was amazing. The depression was gone and I was feeling happy and cheerful. My stressors nearly disappeared and my anxiety was now under my control. Week two changed. I flatlined. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t sad. I didn’t feel anxiety, but I didn’t feel optimism either. Two weeks have passed and I’m still stuck in this phase. It’s so hard. I got a glimpse of what life should be and all of the sudden it goes away. I reach for it and hit an invisible wall, keeping me from going where I want to go.
I wake up upset because my partner, from now on referred to as “E”, forgot to get dinner started for the next night. We use a crock pot to cook a lot. It makes things easier since we both go to school everyday and are often too busy to dedicate a lot of time to preparing a meal every night. Anyways, back to tonights dinner. He forgot. No biggie right? Well, to me it was. To me this nearly rocked my world. What were we going to do? This wasn’t part of the plan? How could he forget? I didn’t forget to cook the meal before then? For the next six hours I sat on this issue or rather, the issue sat on me. How stupid and irrational. I knew it was but still I could not get the pit out of my stomach. I wanted to tell E because talking about it is the only way it goes away, but I know how crazy I sound and I know how irritating it can be to hear things like this on a daily basis.
What am I supposed to do? As I explain to E, and to myself, I just can’t help the feelings. I admit they are not firmly bedded in reality, but that doesn’t take away the horrible feeling I am experiencing. I want to let things slip off my shoulders because 99% of the things I worry about mean nothing. But I can’t. Everything gets to me. My happy mood can be shattered, in an instant, by one little trivial thing. I see the other side but so many things keep me from walking over that line.
I think about this and I realize how screwed up my version of reality is. That’s a scary thought. Not knowing what is real… I guess it’s not that I don’t know, it’s what I feel. My feelings are so fucked up sometimes and it keeps me confined. I want to escape and I try so hard to escape.